Personal blog is personal…

So yeah I hope that title warned you. This is going to be an explosion of feelings.

I started student teaching a little less than a month ago. In general I love what I’m doing. I love the kids and I’m happy to be there. However going to grad school full time and student teaching is fucking ridiculous! I wake up at 5:30 every morning. I get ready and head to school. I teach from about 7:45-12:30. Then I head home to do 4+ hours of homework, eat dinner and go to bed. On the weekends I sleep in until about 9am and then do homework until I cry (I wish I was kidding) and go to bed. I’m a month in the semester and I’m already completely stressed and overwhelmed. I’m training to be a teacher of the deaf. Teaching deaf children comes with some unique challenges. All the things I’ve read about in class are now in front of me, living, breathing, and demanding an equal education. I absolutely refuse to let those students down. This is part of the reason I am so stressed. I want more than I can express for them to be happy, successful, well educated citizens of the world. The pressure I’m putting on myself is far greater than homework deadlines or keeping up with the readings. I’m tearing up as I even think about it. I know my passion about this is what will make me an excellent teacher but I currently feel a bit held back. After all, I am a guest in another teacher’s class. I can’t do whatever I want. I’m not saying anything is wrong with my mentor teacher but everyone has their own style and I feel like when I have my own class things will be different. 

All of these feelings are only made worse by the fact that I’m at least 250 miles away from all of my friends. Almost daily I wish I could just call someone and go out to dinner or just hang out. I’m living in the smallest damn bedroom in my parents’ house. I haven’t even unpacked all my stuff because there isn’t room for it. I have no real place to study/do all of my damn homework. I sort of feel claustrophobic by my life right now. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s the best word I can think of to describe my feelings. I think I’ve cried everyday for the past week or two. I feel so conflicted. I’m doing what I’ve wanted to do for so long (teach deaf students). I’m so close to being done with school and having my own life. Those things sort of scare me too but that’s a whole different can of worms. I really need an outlet for all this stress. Thanks for listening Tumblr.